By Momof2Boyz — Loving them both, surviving the middle
There’s this idea people have about siblings.
That they’ll be best friends.
That they’ll play together, grow together, have each other’s backs.
And sometimes… that happens.
But sometimes?
They don’t even like each other.
Close in Age, Worlds Apart
My boys are 11 and 9.
Only 20 months apart. One grade difference.
Close enough that people assume:
“Oh they must be best friends.”
But the reality?
They’re like two magnets turned the wrong way—
always pushing away, never quite clicking.
The Dynamic Nobody Sees
My youngest wants what every younger sibling wants:
To be included.
To be like his big brother.
To do everything he does.
But my oldest?
He wants space.
Independence.
Distance.
And the more the youngest pushes in…
the more the oldest pulls away.
There’s More Under the Surface
This isn’t just typical sibling rivalry.
Both of my boys are wired differently.
My youngest is what I call neuro-spicy:
ADHD
ODD
DMDD
Anxiety
Depression
He feels everything big.
Mood swings can come fast.
He needs a lot of support, a lot of attention, a lot of regulation.
My oldest has his own challenges:
ADHD
ODD
Anxiety
APD
He processes differently.
He struggles in his own ways.
But here’s the part that hurts the most:
He sees how much of our time goes to his brother.
The Resentment That Builds
You try to balance it.
You try to give each of them what they need.
But it’s not always equal…
because their needs aren’t equal.
And kids notice.
My oldest notices.
He feels it.
And sometimes that feeling turns into resentment.
Not just toward the situation…
But toward his brother.
When Stability Changes the Dynamic
Recently, things have started to shift.
My youngest is more stable now with medication.
More regulated. More manageable.
And instead of things getting easier between them…
It’s almost like the resentment has grown louder.
My oldest will:
Say things he knows will trigger him
Push buttons on purpose
Escalate situations that didn’t need to escalate
And suddenly we’re right back in it.
Everything Becomes a Competition
Nothing is just… simple.
A game? Turns into a fight.
A conversation? Turns into an argument.
A shared moment? Turns into a power struggle.
It’s not:
“Let’s play.”
It’s:
“Who’s better?”
“Who wins?”
“Who’s right?”
And it almost always ends the same way:
Someone upset.
Someone yelling.
Someone in tears.
The Exhaustion No One Talks About
This kind of dynamic is heavy.
It’s not just loud…
It’s constant.
You’re always:
Watching
Mediating
Redirecting
De-escalating
Trying to be fair
Trying to be understanding
Trying not to lose your mind
It’s exhausting in a way that’s hard to explain.
Because you love them both so deeply…
But you’re stuck in the middle of a relationship you can’t fix for them.
The Guilt
There’s guilt too.
Am I giving enough to each of them?
Am I handling this right?
Am I missing something?
Am I making it worse?
You question everything.
Because there’s no clear roadmap for this.
The Reality
The truth is…
Not all siblings are close.
Not all siblings get along.
Not all siblings grow up as best friends.
And that doesn’t mean you failed.
It means you’re raising two completely different humans…
with different needs, emotions, and ways of moving through the world.
What I Hold Onto
Even on the hardest days…
I remind myself:
They’re still learning.
Still growing.
Still figuring out how to exist—
with themselves and with each other.
And maybe one day, things will shift.
Maybe not into best friends…
but into something better than this.
Final Thoughts From the Middle
If you’re living in this space too—
where your kids clash more than they connect…
You’re not alone.
You’re not doing it wrong.
You’re doing something incredibly hard: Raising kids who don’t fit into simple boxes.
Momof2Boyz Reminder 💙
You can love them both fully…
and still feel completely exhausted by the space between them.
Both things can be true.
And you’re doing better than you think.
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