By Momof2Boyz — Trying not to brace for impact every time someone says “Mom?”
One of the hardest parts of parenting a kid with DMDD is this:
It’s not always the big things.
Sometimes it’s not a major disappointment.
Not a huge boundary.
Not some life-changing event.
Sometimes it’s just…
“Can you play with me?”
And if the answer isn’t right now—
even if it’s not actually a “no”—
Everything can shift.
Boredom Hits Fast… and Hard
When our 9-year-old is bored, he doesn’t stay bored quietly.
He doesn’t wander off and figure something out.
He wants:
interaction
engagement
attention
movement
connection
And he wants it immediately.
Not in 10 minutes.
Not after dinner.
Not after I finish the thing I’m in the middle of.
Right now.
Because in his mind, he already had a plan:
“I’m bored. I want to play. Mom or Dad is going to play with me.”
And when that doesn’t happen exactly how he pictured it?
That’s where things get hard.
It’s Not Always About “No”
That’s what makes this so exhausting.
Because a lot of the time, we’re not even saying no.
We’re saying:
“Give me a minute.”
“Let me finish this first.”
“Hold on.”
“I’ll play with you in a little bit.”
But when your brain is already locked into how something is supposed to go…
Even a delay can feel like a rejection.
Even waiting can feel like:
“This isn’t what I thought was happening.”
And when that expectation gets disrupted?
It can become an ordeal fast.
When Small Changes Feel Huge
That’s the thing people don’t always understand.
With DMDD, it’s not always the actual event that causes the explosion.
Sometimes it’s the change.
The interruption.
The delay.
The shift from what was expected.
What looks small from the outside can feel huge on the inside.
And trying to explain:
“This isn’t a big deal”
doesn’t really help when their nervous system has already decided otherwise.
The Part That Wears You Down
And after enough hard moments…
You start bracing for them.
That’s the part no one really prepares you for.
You get so used to:
the yelling
the pushback
the intensity
the emotional whiplash
That eventually, your body starts reacting before anything even happens.
You hear the tone.
You see the approach.
You notice the setup.
And your brain goes:
“Here we go.”
Even if…
It’s not actually “here we go.”
When You Become the Problem Without Meaning To
This is one of the hardest parts to admit.
Sometimes, after being drained and yelled at enough times…
You wrongly anticipate the fight.
You assume the reaction is coming.
And so you go on the offense.
Maybe it’s your tone.
Maybe it’s how fast you respond.
Maybe it’s the defensiveness you can’t shut off because you’re already exhausted.
And then…
He wasn’t actually upset.
At least not yet.
And because you came in hot?
Now you’re the aggressor.
Now what could have been fine becomes a fight.
And that kind of moment is brutal.
Because you realize:
“I helped create this one.”
Not because you’re a bad parent.
But because you’re tired.
And worn down.
And living in a state of constant emotional anticipation.
Nothing Feels Like the Right Answer
That’s what’s so frustrating.
Because sometimes:
staying calm works
sometimes it doesn’t
Sometimes:
giving space helps
sometimes it makes it worse
Sometimes:
redirecting works
sometimes it triggers more frustration
Sometimes:
saying yes doesn’t help
saying no definitely doesn’t help
and even saying “wait a minute” feels like a gamble
It can feel like no matter what you do…
There’s a chance it still goes sideways.
And living in that kind of uncertainty is exhausting.
The Invisible Tired
This kind of parenting creates a tired that people don’t always see.
Not just physical tired.
Nervous system tired.
The kind where:
you’re always on edge
always analyzing tone
always trying to stay one step ahead
always trying to avoid the next blow-up
And after a while, that kind of hyper-awareness starts to wear holes in you.
What I’m Learning (Slowly, Imperfectly)
I’m learning that part of this journey isn’t just helping him regulate…
It’s helping myself regulate too.
Because if I’m already:
defensive
braced
overstimulated
emotionally flooded
Then I’m not responding to what’s happening now.
I’m responding to everything that happened before.
And that’s such a hard thing to catch in real time.
But it matters.
It’s Hard for Him Too
That’s the part I always come back to.
Because underneath all of it—
The frustration.
The rigidity.
The need for things to go a certain way.
He’s not trying to make life harder.
He’s struggling too.
He’s trying to move through a world that doesn’t always match what his brain expected.
And when that mismatch happens over and over again…
It’s hard.
For all of us.
Final Thoughts From the Middle of It
If you’re parenting a child who:
struggles with boredom
can’t handle delays well
gets upset when plans shift
and leaves you feeling like you’re constantly walking into emotional landmines
You’re not alone.
And if you’ve ever caught yourself reacting to the fear of the meltdown before the meltdown even happens?
You’re not alone in that either.
This is hard.
And exhausting.
And frustrating.
And some days it really does feel like there is no right answer.
Momof2Boyz Reminder 💙
You are not failing because you’re tired.
You are not a bad parent because you sometimes react from exhaustion.
And your child is not their hardest moments either.
Some days, surviving the dynamic is the win.
And that counts too.
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